Let's Walk This Journey Together

Month: July 2024

A Note from Gribble: It’s About to Get More Personal

Gribble here. My girl is embarking on a more personal journey, so I’ve added a new category in our posts! The category is “It’s Getting Personal”. I’m going to tell you the events of what she calls her “three years of hell” so you have a better understanding of the obstacles she navigated and still faces. Sympathy is not necessary or sought.

My girl’s life changed forever in 2016. The year began with a miscarriage and she lost her job due to the deep depression she experienced. Six months later, as she was just coming out of her funk, she unexpectedly lost her husband to a thrombotic embolism (a blood clot), leaving her to raise their three children (almost 12, 10, and 3) by herself.

Her uncle died one month later while she was trying to pack her house to move out of state. About a month and a half of homelessness followed while she moved her children and the cranky 10-year-old cat from one relative’s house to another. When she was finally able to procure permanent housing with her parents, she crashed down from survivor mode.

A very serious bout of clinical depression overtook her life when she exited survivor mode. Some family members discussed the need to have her admitted. They eventually decided that my girl’s children needed her presence more since their father was no longer there. I don’t know if that was what was best for the children, but that was the decision made.

Eight months after her uncle’s death, her husband’s grandmother died. A more specific diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) was added to her pre-existing conditions of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), intrusive thoughts, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and anxiety when she was able to emotionally get herself out of bed and to therapy.

Several months before the grandmother died and for two months following, my girl took care of her bedbound mother until her passing at the end of May 2017. Her mother was buried one week before her husband’s one-year anniversary.

Nine months later her cousin’s 21-year-old son died in a tragic car accident, two weeks later her daughter’s dog died, and about four months later her daughter’s 11-month-old kitten died. Her then 4-year-old was diagnosed with autism and therapy led to the discovery of my girl having Bi-Polar Disorder (BPD). She told me later that many things in her life, even prior to her husband’s death, made significantly more sense.

While she was not close to all of those who passed away, the fact that death loomed so close to home struck a nerve with each notification of loss and each step of her mental health journey.

Navigating life is tough. Please remember that this post is not meant to dredge up sympathy. It is simply meant to be informational. Her journey is changing, as is expected in life, and I feel it would be best for her to share that journey with all of you. Perhaps the growth and setbacks as she works through her grief, mental health, and spiritual travels will help someone else someday. I hope you find comfort or enlightenment in the posts.

If you choose to comment on a post, PLEASE BE KIND. Everyone deserves kindness in one aspect or another. Be that person who is kind, positive, and factual in your comments.

Now I need to get back to my place of safety before my girl’s puppy finds me. Happy reading!

What is Grief?

I recently spoke at the Storymakers Conference, a writer’s conference sponsored by the Storymaker’s Guild. The class was The Reality of Grief and How it can Strengthen your Character and took a deep dive into certain aspects of grief. I was able to share a lot of great information that I feel you would find interesting as well, so I decided to do a series of posts on grief.

The first thing that needs to be established when talking about grief is to know what grief actually is. I’ve spoke before on here about my mental health diagnoses. At one point, I wondered if grief was another one we had yet to officially add to my list.

Diagnosis Disagreements

Not everyone agrees with certain mental health diagnoses. They feel they are just labels. That’s not necessarily true in my opinion, but they do have a point. Here are my thoughts on the matter.

According to the DSM-5TR (basically the bible of mental health diagnoses in the USA), grief is classified under a diagnosis of Prolonged Grief Disorder. The mental health community is not all in consensus regarding the changes made in the DSM-5 (hence the text revision version), and Prolonged Grief Disorder was one of the entries that caused disagreements.

Prolonged Grief Disorder specifically refers to death as the cause of grief. Grief doesn’t originate just from death. We’ll talk more about that in a future post. If the mental health community can’t agree on the conditions for a specific diagnosis, is the diagnosis actually applicable in the first place? Is the diagnosis just a label to add to a list of other mental health labels?

Is a Diagnosis a Label?

Labels are useful when they give you information about the subject in question. Think about a pile of flour and a pile of powdered sugar. Labels would certainly help when you are trying to bake a cake. You will know what substance you are dealing with and how to properly handle it. The same thing applies to a diagnosis. Knowing what you’re dealing with helps when seeking treatment.

When I thought about my own “list of labels”, I decided that I didn’t need to add grief to the list. I already knew I was dealing with grief, so having an official diagnosis wasn’t necessary for me. In this case, it would have been a label.

So What is Grief Then?

In my opinion, grief is a continuous state of being. There are stages to the grief process, however, those stages are not in the nice linear steps everyone thinks about.

Check out the diagram posted on a website called Speaking Grief.

Notice how the experience expected is nice and clean. It leads to an arrow pointing you out of the process and on to normal life as you knew it prior to the grief event. That is not the way it works.

On the right side of the diagram you see grief is a messy and sporadic process that never ends. No arrow points the way out. You may spend years in the acceptance stage only to suddenly move to the depression or anger sections of the experience for no rhyme or reason.

Grief is a state of being that affects everyone in a different but similar way. I’ve been dealing my major grief for 8 years now. Others have been through the process for much longer, but the experience remains a new state of being. A phoenix living its life to burn and rise again.

Fighting Your Brain Chemistry Sucks – Depression Strikes Again

The Bi-Polar pendulum is swinging. I can feel it. I’ve spent a good part of my life in a depressive state. With meds, I have been able to have more time in a “manic” state (or what other have told me is likely a “normal” state of mind).

I’m scared of the swing. Some think mental health is an excuse, but it’s not. It’s a real thing. I don’t want to feel down and out. Just retraining my behavior doesn’t make things all better. While it can help, other factors are involved. Chemical and hormone changes in my brain greatly influence my state of mind. It makes depression harder to fight. Medication helps regulate those changes, but it’s not a perfect fix either.

I was reading an account of Elder Shayne M Bowen’s time on his mission with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Chile. He and his mission companion had been arrested and separated amid political unrest. He prayed to Heavenly Father saying, “I am nothing special, but I have been obedient and I need Thy help tonight.” He did receive the comfort he needed that night. He stated, “the seeds of this help had been planted many years earlier.”

A couple thoughts occurred to me when I read this. The first being, whether we feel like nothing and down in depression, we need to remember that we will be blessed if we stay obedient to what we know is true. Depression is no joke. It is often paralyzing in my life. Getting up is more than challenging. Having the energy to shower and dress is practically non-existent. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I believe it is important to remember these challenges are not without reason or hope. That’s also not as easy as it sounds. Looking for spiritual aid has helped me. Knowing there must be a reason for the pendulum swinging back and forth gives me a sliver of hope that I will be free when my time comes to reunite with my husband.

Not dwelling on the past is a problem for me. Intrusive thoughts break into my calm moments and cause deep anxiety. It’s okay to look for help from past lessons. Depression will not magically go away, but I know I can potentially find some comfort while I work through the down times. Comfort is a miraculous blessing.

The message I’m trying to learn is remembering I am not nothing—even if I can’t get myself up and doing the things that are necessary. I am special to someone—even if I don’t always believe it. I know God is real—even if I sometimes feel forsaken. Others have gone through similar experiences, so I’m not alone. If I can’t think of anyone during those moments of my depressed mental state, I know Christ felt it. He knows, so I need to look to Him for help in the dark times.

Butterfly vs Phoenix – What’s the Most Accurate Symbol for Grief?

After my husband passed away, I went looking for support groups to help for coping with grief. Everywhere I turned I found the image of a butterfly. It was almost like the universal symbol of getting over a tragedy, and that bothered me.

I have always loved the butterfly (Gribble is a caterpillar after all). The butterfly is a beautiful symbol with a beautiful message. Unfortunately, the butterfly metaphor is simply too froo-froo for real life loss and tragedy. No, my froo-froo comment is not meant to hurt any creatures’ feelings, insect or otherwise.

The Phoenix

I prefer to think of the phoenix when it comes to this journey through tragedy and loss. The phoenix simply lives its life until one day flames burst from within to consume it completely. From its ashes rises an ugly little hatchling. But that hatchling will learn and grow and one day become an awe-inspiring phoenix again. 

Just like the phoenix, we too experience a fire that consumes us until we are nothing but a pile of useless and messy ash. The pain of loss isn’t something you can truly prepare for. Even those who know the end is coming still can’t fully prepare for the shock of that final goodbye—walking away from the empty, puppet-like body that first time.

The shock is like a lightning strike. We are instantly consumed by the burning fire of every nerve in our body prickling everywhere at once. Peacefully sleep in a safe cocoon while the flames lick at our souls with searing heat doesn’t work. We are forced to stand there in pain and suffer through every agonizing moment. The funeral, telling the rest of the family, wills, finances, living arrangements, etc. slap the bereaved in the face. When the burning eventually dies down, we are left in a very vulnerable state.

The Hard Work of a New Life

Nothing but the hard work of restarting our lives again exists. Well, except without the heart that was ripped from our chest like that unfortunate sacrificial slave in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. We don’t get to emerge with beautiful wings and fly off to peacefully live out the rest of our lives. Free to fly around, taunting innocent children holding silly nets.

We are left as a hatchling that doesn’t know what to do. How do you sweep up the messy ashes of our new beginning? If you’ve ever had to sweep up ashes in a fireplace, you will know that it takes a lot more than a broom and dustpan to clean up the mess. It’s a long drawn out process that gets everywhere before the world is set as close to right as possible.

Through that process, we have the opportunity to become as beautiful as the firebird we were with bold, vivid colors. The butterfly doesn’t pass through the heart wrenching pain of tragedy and loss. We are a phoenix whose end is as fiery and challenging as its beginning.

Gribble’s Perspective

Now you are probably wondering why Gribble, our friendly caterpillar, supports this distinction. We discussed the delicate topic at length before he explained his perspective beautifully saying:

“The Phoenix can have all the glory as a symbol of grief. My kind seek to inspire an innocent, loving hope for the future. At some point, those who are marred by the fiery scars of great loss will grow enough and heal enough and be confident enough to emerge from that moment of grief. They will finally be strong enough to show the world their flying colors. But grief never fully resolves. There are always moments when their inner phoenix flares up. It is at those moments when my fellow Lepidoptera and I will be right there with a fresh bottle of Aloe for our friend.”

Image Credit: Pexels