Life According to Gribble

Let's Walk This Journey Together

Author: Keani Gifford (Page 2 of 2)

Censorship in Media – Real or Made up?

November 22, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Warning: Touchy Topic

Weixin (pronounced “way-shin”) is another case study I reviewed in my graduate courses. For those who have never heard of Weixin (like me), they are a social media platform in China that has taken over. The idea behind the creators of Weixin’s platform was to be a “one-stop shopping” experience. It was all about bringing the traditionally social part of social media together with the functionality of other platforms to create a place users could do everything they need within one interface.

In three years from its inception, Weixin grew to more than 300 million users. When I first read this statistic I thought, “How in the world did they do that?” I’m not the only one to ponder that same question. The case study stated they “are more than a combination of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and eBay.” The study was right. They forgot Uber. Weixin contracted with 350,000 taxi drivers in 30+ cities in China to allow their users to book and pay for the taxi ride through their interface.

The idea of having a platform with that kind of multi-functioning power makes me wonder why there isn’t such an interface here in America. The case study stated that some of those 300 million users were in America, which led me to a platform called “WeChat”. The parent company of Weixin, Tencent, created WeChat as an overseas alterative to Weixin.

At first glance, it doesn’t seem like a big deal for Tencent to have two different applications until you look at other platforms. Facebook doesn’t have two platforms, one domestic and the other for overseas use. Sure, there are different interfaces due to language differences. What works for English speakers does not work the same for those with right-to-left reading languages like Arabic, however, they use different interfaces not completely different applications. What is the difference?

The more I look into the question, the more I realize the answer is censorship. How could a platform created to be an all-in-one solution with an easy-to-use user interface create censorship? The answer lies in algorithms.

Tencent created Weixin for China, not for the rest of the world. According to an article featured on Chozan [https://chozan.co/wechat-vs-weixin/], marketers seeking to target mainland China must register for a specific account through Weixin. Those wishing to target anywhere else in the world must register for an account through WeChat. Why the difference? What makes China so different from the rest of the world? Again, the answer lies in the algorithms.

The algorithms for mainland China require different filtering that sorts through the information and only displays what the algorithms are designed to allow. That can be a wonderful thing in some cases. Take pornography for example. Facebook has very strict algorithms that does not allow pornography on the platform. YouTube, on the other hand, allows pornography as long as it is blocked as adult only content. The algorithms are clearly different.

The same thing applies to Weixin and WeChat. Some messages are allowed in the rest of the world, but not in China. Why? Who is holding the reins on the information allowed?

Perhaps I’m right. Perhaps I’m wrong. The question is up to you do decide because no matter how much I tell you about such a sensitive subject, you will never truly know until you research it yourself. Discover for yourself if what I’m saying is true. Then look at the information you are presented here in America. Is the information you are presented actually true just because it was reported on the news, or does different stations present different conclusions on the same events? Something to think about.

Hikers climbing on rock, mountain at sunset, one of them giving hand and helping to climb. Help, support, assistance in a dangerous situation

Stigmastasis – It’s a real thing

November 7, 2021 / / 0 Comments

I’ve learned a great deal in my graduate program. One of my classes spoke about a social media marketing campaign for breast cancer awareness. Some of you might remember seeing mysterious posts by individuals, such as “Dorothy, Red” or “Samantha, Blue” one October a few years ago. The key to the posts was a meme sent to ladies via Messenger asking them to post their name and the color of their bra. The reason for the posts? October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

While the meme is a good example of cyberactivism, was it really affective? The message was only sent to ladies, but they are leaving out the population of men who also deal with breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen website states, “less than 1% of all breast cancer cases occur in men.” The fact that the statistic is so small is good. However, what about those men who are in the “less than 1%” group? Being a small percentage doesn’t negate the need for the message.

It got me to thinking about a cause I am passionate about: mental health. For thousands of years the majority of the world suffered from what I think of as Stigmastasis – stuck in a state of stigma – when it came to mental health. Recently, though, we have seen an increase in candid conversations about mental health topics. Depression, anxiety, addiction, and bi-polar disorder are among the most common conditions in active discussion. I address my own personal experiences with mental health in my two-part post Metaphors and Me.

Those who suffer from stigmastasis don’t have all the facts about the topic in question. They don’t even know they have their own form of mental health condition. Sometimes their case is so extreme, they refuse to acknowledge the facts surrounding another mental health condition.

For example, stigmastasians (don’t laugh, you’ll hurt their feelings) do know know that OCD is not just a fear of germs. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, OCD also involves “unwanted forbidden or taboo thoughts involving sex, religion, or harm [and/or] aggressive thoughts towards others or self.” These thoughts are called intrusive thoughts. I know because I deal with them on a daily basis. For many years, I literally thought I was crazy – in a bad way. I was suffering from both intrusive thoughts and stigmastasis. I had to keep it quiet because what would happen if people knew? I would never act on those thoughts. I felt ashamed to be having them in the first place. A mental health practitioner I saw in my early 30’s finally identified and explained what they were. The horrible thoughts randomly floating into my brain was not a symptom of psychosis, it was a part of my OCD.

Psychosis is a disorder that is still truly taboo. Who wants to admit that they have psychotic episodes where they have literally taken a break from reality? I don’t say that lightly. I have a loved one who experienced psychotic episodes. Actions stemming from stigmastasis, shaming and shunning, are often paired with being honest with others about this serious disorder.

I have educated a number of people about intrusive thoughts and have even found others who also experience them. Because I was willing to talk about it, my daughter was able to identify what they were and tell me she was having them, too. She has the advantage of learning how to deal with them now instead of suffering from intrusive thoughts and stigmastasis for decades with the overwhelming anxiety and shame involved with not knowing.

Even mental health disorders that have more conversation and awareness than others suffer from an onslaught of stigmastasis. Addiction recovery receives a great deal of attention. Anonymous meetings for the many forms of addiction exist for the betterment of its members. And yet, organizations like Shatterproof are still working an uphill battle representing and acting to forward the cause of addiction treatment and recovery.

Let’s take a break and go back to the original topic for a moment. The problem with the breast cancer awareness meme is not as much the message as the lack of call to action. Awareness is wonderful. A call to action is the key to any activism campaign – cyber or otherwise.

So here is my call to action. Stamp Out Stigma, an initiative spearheaded by the Association for Behavioral Health and Wellness (ABHW) promotes their philosophy of the three “R’s” (recognize, reeducate, and reduce the stigma). It is an excellent direction to start moving. Below is a list of mental health disorders with links to learn more about each condition. Consider a way you can help further the cause of mental health awareness. A link for sharable resources from the National Institute of Mental Health is also posted (if available). Feel free to add disorders and links to mental health information in the comments below. What can you do to reduce the prevalence of stigmastasis against mental health?

Addiction Recovery – Sharable resources

ADHD/ADD – Sharable resources

Agoraphobia

Anxiety – Sharable Resources

Autism Spectrum Disorder – Sharable resources

Depression – Sharable Resources

Eating Disorders – Sharable resources

Bi-polar Disorder – Sharable Resources

Borderline Personality Disorder – Sharable resources

Children with Mental Illness – Sharable resources

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) – Sharable resources

Psychosis/Psychotic

Schizophrenia – Sharable resources

Social Anxiety Disorder (formerly Social Phobia)

Suicide – Sharable resources

Trichotillomania

Education school concept. Clever female student girl in glasses lying on floor in college library with stack books reading. Instagram tone

Seeing Through to the Future

October 24, 2021 / / 3 Comments

As part of my graduate program, I read a case study about a company called Warby Parker. I didn’t recognize the name until I read more about them. They began as college students who were fed up with the way eyeglass frames were sold. The high costs, the hassle of attempting to get to a showroom to try them on lead to a great deal of frustration.

In 2010, they took a giant leap and started an online business selling eyeglass frames. The concept of online retail for frames was foreign at that time. How do you do something like that when the choice for such a product can be such a personal decision? They instituted a “Home Try-On Campaign” to meet this demand. Warby Parker sent five pairs of frames for the customer to try-on. The customer would send back the ones they didn’t want.

It was a brilliant move for them to make at such an influential time. No one was even thinking about a business strategy like that. The risk was immense, and it was innovation at its finest. How does that relate to us on a more personal level?

My world imploded when my husband died in 2016. I have been healing, trying to stay as clear-minded as possible for my children, and searching for an answer to the “What comes next” question. The answer is different for everyone. For me, I have rediscovered how much I enjoy reading, writing, and editing fiction. It took years to get to the point where I could truly move forward, but I made it.

I’m not alone in the endeavor. Just as those of you who have encountered personal tragedies of your own. The thing about tragedy is you discover your ability to redirect your situation to a lifestyle more conducive to your needs. That’s a fancy way of saying you adapt to your situation. Hopefully, the growth you will eventually encounter will lead you in a more positive direction.

I chose to follow my love of the written word and enroll in graduate school. It was a huge step and a ginormous risk for me. Was I choosing the right degree, the right school, the right program? Your steps may be just as huge. Like Warby Parker, it is important to take risks. The reinvention of a business model can pay off with enough time and willingness to move forward with your idea. The reinvention of yourself can do the same.

How am I reinventing myself? My life was such that I stopped reading and writing fiction completely for many years. It was a distraction from my attempts to provide for my family and I was miserable without those outlets. I gave myself permission to read again and read more than 100 books in a year and a half. Oh, the glories of binge reading. Through my graduate program, I am given permission to sit and write. I’m still working on the anxiety of so many years of telling myself I’m misusing my time when I write.

Did the founders of Warby Parker feel they were misusing their time with their venture? Maybe at some point, but they pushed through. They created their own designs to keep the costs down. They were sensitive to their customers’ time. Instead of overwhelming the customer with a showroom full of frames during times customers really do need to handle other pursuits, customers receive a manageable five pairs of glasses to try on at their convenience.

So, what can we learn from Warby Parker? It’s okay to take well thought out risks. It’s okay to choose a different path than everyone else. It’s okay to spend time doing what you love. Feel empowered to do what you can for yourself in all your ventures. It can lead to a massive payout – a happier you.

Image by Peter H from Pixabay

Future Trolls and Self-Care

June 23, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Have you ever been afraid of the future? I’m right there with you. I’m at a jumping off point and fear my mental health will get in the way. Bipolar-me doesn’t like to be stable so I have to really grasp hard to complete my longer-term goals. At this point, my goals include building a business by incorporating a product line focused on positive thinking and building upon talents. I also have a goal to write a book, be more consistent with my blog posts, and go back to school for a Master of Fine Art in Creative Writing. I’m terrified I’m going to feel overwhelmed and shut down – especially at an integral moment. I’m terrified I will change my mind halfway through and end up back at ground zero.

The good thing is, I have medication that will help regulate me. I have my family and friends who encourages me. I know I have the intellect to do it. It all comes down to mental health.

I’m tired of mental health ruling my life, but my mental health is just that – mine whether I want it or not. The question is how I can use my mental health to my advantage. OCD-me loves picking weeds because it’s detail-oriented and there is something about clearing weeds that satisfy an obsession for a better-looking yard. That is using my mental health to my advantage. (FYI-Bipolar-me likes to fight with OCD-me, so please don’t think I have the perfect yard.)

So how can I use the often reigning Bipolar-me to my advantage with future goals/tasks/obligations/conquests? There’s a thought. Perhaps my goals need to become quests. What’s the fun in life if you can’t have a few epic quests? Here’s the big problem: Bipolar Depressive-me. How can I combat that troll? (I like dragons too much to turn them into the bad guys.)

While nothing will completely vanquish that troll, I can keep it more at bay with self-care and understanding my mental health cycles. The troll will appear and take over, but I can exercise self-care to combat it like a sword of light. (I like swords, too. Have I shown you my sword wall? – And there we see a glimpse of Bipolar Manic-Me.)

Self-care for me means showering, brushing my teeth, reading for fun, and crafting. I cross stitch and have recently discovered diamond painting. A few to 30 minutes of self-care often helps me focus more on my current quest. (Oh, how I love metaphors.)

So there we have a partial and imperfect solution to a problem that will never go away, but it’s a start. I still fear the future and worry about my future endeavors, but I have a plan to work thorough that fear. We’ll see how well it works and adjust as necessary. That’s all anyone can do when faced with a troll.

And The Sister Invades…

April 14, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Gribble here! Just breaking news! My girl’s sister, Dawnelle, is invading the blog!

Actually, she knows Dawnelle is a talented writer and invited her to add her two cents on pertinent subjects. Of course I approved since this is still technically my blog, but we’ll not discuss that. They are both excited for the opportunity to work with each other and share their experiences. Dawnelle’s bio is up on the About Us page, so feel free to check it out.

Image from Lindsey Stirling's Take Flight music video, girl standing on edge of building with boat on clouds in front of her

Metaphors and Me (Part 2)

March 4, 2020 / / 0 Comments
Image from Lindsey Stirling's Take Flight music video, girl standing on edge of building with boat on clouds in front of her

Last week I discussed my own frame of mind and my moment of clarity:

To create a house of order,
I must first wade through the chaos that is my life.

It’s a tall order, but I had another moment of clarity that is helping me put the pieces together.

While writing one day, I was listening to music through YouTube when the song “Take Flight” by Lindsey Stirling came on. I stopped writing to watch the video, which I have seen multiple times. Suddenly had a different understanding of the song’s meaning. I also realized the applicability of its message in my life.

The way to move from my life of chaos to order is all about trust and imagination. Trust myself and not bury the talents given by my Father in Heaven. Here’s the thing with talents. I know I have talents, but they always seemed more like attributes of my personality than talents. My imagination, for example, is not just an attribute. It’s a talent I didn’t recognize. I need to let myself “take flight” with my imagination and not in a tornado to Oz. The task I have now set before me requires planning.

First, I need to figure out how to identify the part of my imagination I need to free. I turned to my children to help me answer that. I asked them what talent I would showcase if I were in a talent show. What did they say? They wisely stated that my talents lie elsewhere. I wouldn’t be in the talent show – I would be organizing it. That got me to thinking. If I can co-chair a first-time free writer’s conference with over 100 attendees, I can organize a way out of the sticky syrup lake with popcorn kernel shores of my life (one of my youngest’s more notorious self-made “sandboxes”, but I digress).

Understanding of the internal workings of my being is beginning to find firmer footing. It’s not an easy thing to face. I have pieces of myself that conflict with my desire to move forward and grow as I explained in the previous post. That internal struggle is real, and I know I’m not alone in it.

The question is how to get past the struggle. Medication has helped me immensely. Therapy has helped me immensely. Doing my best to just go with the flow has helped me immensely. (Recap: Drugs, professional help, and play it cool) Giving myself permission to move forward and finding the positive in each situation is vital and ongoing. (Recap: Keep swimming and the glass is half full)

It is beyond hard to find the positive in every situation. For example, when my mother died almost one year after my husband, it was a relief in some ways. She had been ill and bed-bound for a very long time. I had the privilege of helping her each day while my dad was working on location hours away and unable to come home every night. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard. Any caregiver will attest to how difficult it is to care for someone who is unable to perform basic activities of daily living on their own. Her death finally occurred when she developed necrosis following a leg amputation and it became time to discontinue dialysis.

So what was the positive? While it was hard to no longer sit and talk with my mom, while she is no longer reachable to share her maternal comfort with me, it was a relief to no longer have the responsibility that comes with caregiving. Does that make me selfish? No. Do I feel guilty about feeling that way? Most would say yes, but I don’t. She is so much happier and free without her broken body. I’m sure she looks forward to her resurrected body when the time comes, but for now she is free to do other things. She is able to be productive and “do for herself” on the other side. That right there is the positive. Her quality of life is no longer in the negative.

Now I need to figure out where this all leaves me. I have a talent in organizing events and processes. So why not organize a business and get myself back into the workforce in a way that will be productive for myself and others?

The last time I underwent the adventure of starting a business, I did everything wrong and learned a great deal. Now I’m taking my time to figure out what kind of business will be best for me and utilize my talents effectively. I have already done a great deal of research and have a whole lot more to fish through before I make a final decision on what that business will entail and how I will organize it. I know it will be a great journey full of more metaphors.

At this point I need to give a big thank you to Brave Enough” to “Take Flight” and see wherever this journey will lead me.

Powdered Donuts

Depression and Donuts

March 3, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Do you ever get those days when you can’t seem to make yourself get out of bed? Days when you just can’t handle anything except the bathroom and powdered donuts? That is me as I write this. Today is a day of grief. I miss my husband more than I can say today. It is a day of depression, and depression for me is beyond debilitating. The fact that I got all of my children out the door to school with clean clothes and that I’m actually at the computer writing this post is just about a miracle.

I’m not the only one who has these days, of this I know. My emotions are overwhelming and MIA all at the same time. A great contradiction, but such days are generally contradicting for me. What triggers the emotions and thoughts of despair and longing? Only those in the moment can answer that question. Coming from experience, sometimes not even they can answer it. So how do you deal with it? How do you move forward out of the murky swamps of uselessness? How do you make yourself get up and do what you need to do? How do you write a post like this without switching point of view multiple times in the same paragraph?

I’ve known many people who tell me to just get up and do whatever it is I am supposed to be getting done. While I love them with all my heart, they have never been where I am. I get to the point where I know what I need to do. My mind tells me to get up and do it. Sometimes I even feel the desire to get up and do it, but my body doesn’t respond. Instead, I lay in bed feeling like a loser, wishing I could be done with this journey and join my husband.

*** I’m going to stop and say at this point that I will NOT harm myself to join my husband. Wishing during moments of despair and doing are two entirely different things. ***

The truth of the matter is: There will always be deep down days like this for me. I know the signs and I take medicine to help keep those days to a minimum. Please don’t think that this post is about gaining sympathy. It is not. It’s about validating others’ who experience the same issues.

So what is the take-home message today? You are not alone. No matter how dark it gets, you are still not alone. I am here waiting for the darkness to pass just like many others, writing this post, and consuming my pilfered powdered donuts.

island near tornado

Metaphors and Me

February 27, 2020 / / 0 Comments

My husband’s death broke me in a way I never thought possible. It was a pinnacle of major life-changing events, though not the last I will ever experience. The thing is, every time I get a major life-changer, I am first confronted with a great turmoil. A moment of hope emerges from the chaos. I feel the call for better, greater things. Future goals become clear and all seems bright. Then a sudden storm pulls the Earth out from under my feet, smacks me in the face with a flying wall, and gives me not a single moment to stop for tea with Dorothy.

My world rolls forward around me. My motivation disappears, I switch gears to adjust, and then I find I am going nowhere. There is a time and a place for changing tracks. My life just seems full of endless change points and when it seems like I’m on my way, the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a train.

What is holding me back? (Maybe all the metaphors are making the situation more complicated than necessary.) The one of the biggest problems in my way is my mental health. Too many people are scared to open up about something as personal as mental health. Fear of judgement is very real regardless of how much others may think a situation shouldn’t be feared. I’ll tackle that issue in another post…eventually.

It’s too important to go unsaid, so here I am about to bare my mental/emotional issues and display them for all to see. The fact is I am constantly fighting against myself for control over my life. What does that mean? In some ways, I see my mental health disorders as separate metaphorical people inside of me. (Yes, I am going to unleash a whole new set of metaphors.)

These metaphorical people in me have different needs. OCD-me craves order and completion. Bi-Polar/Manic-me wants to live life to the fullest and do everything all at once. Bi-Polar/Depressive-me is stuck in a place of crushing defeat. PTSD-me is overwhelmed by intermittent triggers that send me to the point of paralyzing panic. Anxiety-me cannot banish the fear and apprehension of so many potential outcomes of my present and future actions. I have been told my intrusive thoughts are part of OCD-me but whenever I try to explain it myself, I become confused again. Maybe the intrusive thoughts are simply the Mini-Me of OCD-me. Okay that’s a stretch even for…me.

Then there is just plain Me who is trying to get everyone to play nice. They are constantly bickering and it’s a massive challenge to feel as though I am not going crazy with the push and pull of each piece. In fact, I am completely uncomfortable with myself. Where do I go from here? How do I cope? How can I move forward with so much going on in my head?

I was reading a book about entrepreneurship called Mad Genius by Randy Gage when a thought struck me. He stated, “Chaos creates order and order then builds on itself.” Then my mind jumped to another great quote, “A house of order is a house of God.” Bring it together and I suddenly experienced moment of clarity. Maybe everyone else has come to this conclusion, but I’m sometimes a little slow to the game. And what was this epiphany?

To create a house of order,
I must first wade through the chaos that is my life.

Easier said than done, but necessary all the same. Now the question is: How do I do that when I am already overwhelmed?

That’s an discussion I’ll explain in part 2 of this post series next week as this post is already getting long. (I also hate cliffhangers, but alas, they are sometime necessary.)

Why is this happening to me?

June 28, 2018 / / 0 Comments

I have had to turn to my faith more than a few times these past two years. It is by no means uncommon for us, as survivors, to have a crisis of faith. We face a little one-word question that puts us to the ultimate test of faith. Why? Why did they have to die? Why am I still here? Why did they leave me? Why don’t they get the chance at a full life?

The short answer is a simple and frustrating, “I don’t know.” The longer more specific answer relates to the story of Joseph in Egypt. Below is a brief (I promise this actually is brief compared to the full version found in the Bible) synopsis of the story.

Joseph was the youngest and most favored son of his father, Jacob. His older brothers were overwhelmingly jealous of the favor their father showed Joseph. They decided one day, when their jealous anger rose to a peak, they would to kill him. Before they murdered their brother, they saw a caravan of merchantmen traveling to Egypt. Why kill their brother when they could gain a profit by selling him as slave?

Once the caravan reached Egypt, Joseph was then sold to a man named Potiphar, a captain of the guard to Pharaoh. Joseph worked hard and became Potiphar’s right hand man until Potiphar’s wife decided she wanted more from Joseph than he was willing to give. The wife grabbed Joseph’s coat when he literally ran from the house. Joseph shrugged it off and kept running. Of course the wife, having been rejected, decided to cry to her husband saying Joseph made advances toward her. Her proof was Joseph’s coat in her hands. Potiphar believed his wife and sent Joseph to prison.

While in prison, Joseph was yet again blessed for his work ethic and given the duty to oversee the prisoners in his ward. About this time, Pharaoh became angry at his chief butler and his chief baker. They were both placed in Joseph’s ward and experienced odd dreams on the same night. Joseph interpreted both dreams saying in three days the butler would be restored to his former position and the baker would be executed. True to Joseph’s interpretation, the butler was restored and the baker was significantly less fortunate.

Two years later, it was Pharaoh’s turn in the disturbing dreams department of dreamland. No one could interpret Pharaoh’s dreams. The butler spoke up and told Pharaoh about his experience with Joseph.

Pharaoh called for Joseph and demanded an interpretation of his dreams. Joseph explained that Pharaoh’s dreams were a warning. Though the next seven years would be plentiful, a great famine would strike all the lands of the Earth the following seven years. Joseph then suggested Pharaoh invest in a pretty comprehensive food storage program. Impressed, Pharaoh told him it was now Joseph’s job to create and oversee the aforementioned investment program…and have power over just about everything else except the throne.

The famine came as predicted seven years later and guess who made an appearance in Egypt two years into the famine? Yep, Joseph’s brothers. They didn’t realize who Joseph was at first, but don’t you worry, his brothers were graced with a pretty serious “Oh #&%@” moment.

Joseph could have done anything to them and no one would have faulted him; however, he chose a different path. He didn’t take them as his servants. He didn’t make them experience the sudden death round of the “how shall we play with brother today” game. He was happy to see his brothers. Joseph rejoiced! He told them not to be angry with themselves for selling him, because God sent him there to save many lives, including theirs.

This is where we bring ourselves back to the present. Whether you believe in God or not, bad things happen. It is an unfortunate fact of life we cannot escape. Joseph gained some understanding of why he was sent to Egypt when his brother’s showed up to purchase food, twenty-two years after they sold him to the caravan of merchantmen.

Just as Joseph lived in slavery and prison for so long, we also find ourselves in horrific places after the trauma of losing our loved ones. I won’t lie to you. Grief shows no mercy to anyone, and patience plainly sucks. Faith is all that will sustain us.

I still don’t have any specific answers why BJ had to die 11 days before his 35th birthday. All I have are speculations at this point. I take great comfort knowing that some day I will have the answers. It may or may not be in this lifetime, but I have faith the answers will come. You will also have the answers at some point. Don’t rush that moment. The Lord left us here for a reason. Looking too hard for answers we are ready or able to receive will only bring frustration and unhappiness. All we can do is take everything one day, one task, one moment at a time until we receive those answers.

Please remember you are far from alone in your journey. Faith, with all the other emotions we have swirling around our psyche, is not easy. Our goal should be to seek others who also struggle. Together we can help each other move forward in a positive and productive way.

You are loved more than you know!

Handcart Lessons

June 18, 2018 / / 1 Comment

Around March 2018, I was barely able to keep my head above the watery chaos of depression. My husband had suddenly passed away about a year and a half prior. My children were the only ones keeping me from letting myself go. They already lost their father. They needed their mother – not that I was much of a mother at the time. Granted, I was much better than I was the year prior, but I’ll go into the crippling effects of depression another time.

I thought back to an experience my nephew shared the prior year when he came home from a church sponsored event called Trek. Every few years my church organizes a pioneer journey for youth ages 12 through 18. The journey reenacts the pioneer experience during their trek west. Everyone dresses in pioneer garb. Youth are broken up into “families” with at least four children and one couple from the congregation serving as “Ma” and “Pa”. The youth pull loaded handcarts over 20 miles of difficult terrain in a three-day period.

My nephew told me about an experience that had surprising effect on me. The final hill is always given to the ladies since many pioneer men didn’t make it to their destinations. That left the women to bear the burden of finishing the journey.

Every young man was sent to the top of the hill.  The young men were told they were not allowed to help the young women. They could only silently watch. My nephew said it was a powerfully emotional experience to watch the young women struggle up the steep hill. Being unable to help was like torture.

When the first handcart finally reached the top of the steep hill and crossed the line marking the end of their trek, the young women ran back to the hill. The girls were exhausted, but they couldn’t bear to let their sisters continue to struggle on their own. One by one each handcart finally reached the top of the hill.

There were no shouts of joyous accomplishment and applause when the last handcart made it to the end. No one shrugged their shoulders and asked when they could get their phones back. The young women hugged each other with love, grateful to have made it to the top. They were proud of their accomplishments on that journey, but humbled by the sheer determination it took.

Every young man stood with their hat reverently held in their hands. Some freely shed tears…I mean got sand in their eyes. They were emotionally hurt, proud of their sisters, and distressed in their limited role of watching; however, they felt the Holy Spirit testify of the greatness of the pioneer’s tragically earned achievements. I thought a great deal about that story for a long time.

My unexpected lesson hit me this past March. I was trying so hard to get my own handcart over rough terrain and my dear husband’s spirit was forced to watch, unable to help. What kind of special hell is that? And I was the one making that hell even more bitter. It certainly wasn’t on purpose, but it was true all the same. I had eyes on my husband for so long and didn’t see what I should have.

Everyone handles tragedy in different ways. The death of my husband just about broke me, but I decided I couldn’t cause him and my children any more pain than they already had to endure. I somehow found a way to pull myself back to the land of the living. It wasn’t an overnight change. A great deal of heartache, prayer, hard work, and tears went into the process of moving on.

Unfortunately, the process never truly ends. Good days and bad days still trade off custody. What matters is keeping my eye on the goal. Continuing to progress to the best of my ability. Some days it is all I can do to keep the handcart from slipping backward. Other days I make good headway. It’s a matter of not giving up.

I have learned we all need to keep our eye on the top of the hill. Every step gets us a little closer. Celebrate those small steps because they add up quickly. The strength we discover when we reach the top of the hill will be a powerful testimony of our love for those who can only watch.

Be kind to yourself and know that you are loved!

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