Life According to Gribble

Let's Walk This Journey Together

Category: It’s Getting Personal

Mental health and grief intrude into many parts of life. My girl sometimes has a hard time with flashbacks and moments of self-depreciation. This section will be one where she will post more personal content that we hope will help others identify and cope with their own personal challenges.

group of people attending burial

Scheduling a Funeral Sucks: Let Someone Help You

October 3, 2024 / / 0 Comments

When my husband passed away, I had to make a lot of difficult decisions. One of those decisions was when to hold the funeral. We lived in Utah at the time, but we were burying him in Washington state. The most sensible timing of events was a problem though.

I worked out the schedule by days of the week. Saturday was the funeral program in Utah. Sunday we rested. Monday we would rent the U-Haul and transport his casket to Washington. (It felt weird transporting a casket with my dead husband in a U-Haul, but that is what we did.) Tuesday evening the funeral home would unload his casket. Wednesday we would hold the burial.

Sound’s reasonable right? Well, what was left of my heart in the gaping hole in my chest dropped in my stomach when I looked at the calendar. The day of the burial was my husband’s 35th birthday. I frantically rearranged the schedule to no avail. Every time I thought it I had it worked out, a bad feeling overcame me. The only plan I felt peace with was the original one.

His family was less than enthused about the schedule. They all came over to “discuss” the situation. When I finally and simply stated, “I’m not changing the date,” one of his family members stormed out of my home, slamming the front door behind them. If there’s one thing I don’t tolerate, it’s slamming doors.

I got up to give them a piece of my mind but stopped as soon as I got out the door. It would do no good to go after them. All I would accomplish is create more rifts in an already tense and difficult time. So what did I do? I balled my fists and walked back inside with a great deal of anger filling me.

They were wrong to storm out, but I realized later that I also bore some of the blame. I failed to fully explain my reasoning why I refused to change the date. I didn’t share the struggle I went through when solidifying the schedule. That burden was mine to bear, but looking back I should have been more forthcoming with my struggle.

Hindsight sucks because it doesn’t really account for the emotional and mental state of everyone in the situation. Objectivity is often clearer when looking back. I should have let them help me bear the burden of that problem. They could have asked why I chose that day. Maybe they did at one point. I don’t remember. All I do remember was both emotional and logical arguments for why the date impacted them. I could have given them the opportunity to understand, but I didn’t.

The moral of the story for me is it’s okay to share your burden when struggles come your way. Even if that sharing it just telling someone. Having an ally who understands can make a difference. Circumstances and emotions get in the way of rational thinking; however, perhaps the next time I am confronted with a difficult decision, I will confide my reasoning with those who are impacted.

man standing beside black steel fence

Keep Going in the Face of not Wanting to

September 16, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I sit here thinking about how tired I am of this world, or more specifically, my broken mind with in this world. I firmly believe I will no longer have to suffer (Read: deal with) the craziness of my mind in the next life. the intrusive thoughts have been plaguing me a great deal lately. Sometimes I wish I could quiet the horrible things my mind brings before my mental and emotional eyes. The dissonance is, I am a mother.

As a mother, I am an example. As an example, I set the bar on the capacity and capability of how to keep going. If I give up, so too might my children. They have scars just like I have scars. New scars will form and my children and I continue through life. What a depressing thought. But that’s the reality of life. I don’t want my children to give up. They have a better chance of finding healing as they are discovering the origins of some of their mental health challenges now. It’s taken 30+ years for me to get to where I am today from the time my mind really started showing me its craziness.

Ultimately, the point is, I don’t want to be here anymore, but I can’t go anywhere yet. I’m sure I’ll end up having a long life, but that just depresses me more. I want to be with my husband. The man who would hold me when I broke down until I was able to move forward again. I don’t have that support anymore. I can’t rely on my children to take up that role because it’s not their role to fill. They don’t need my broken self weighing down their own fragile concerns. And yet, I am both a burden and a comfort for them.

Ever since BJ died, my children often told me “don’t die” when I left the house. It started with my youngest and my older two have also repeated the command as well. They don’t do it as often as they used to, but they still get nervous when I’m gone too long or when they don’t know where I am.

The point is, I can’t be done yet and that depresses me. I’m so ready to be done. Unfortunately, my time to be with my husband and free of this broken mind is not yet. So here I am pouring my heart and brokenness out for everyone to see. Whether I want to or not, I can’t leave my children to figure it all out on their own. They deserve the opportunity to learn from their broken mother’s hard-won lessons.

I hope and pray those lessons will have them some grief in the future. When choosing between my mental battle with myself and my children, I chose my children. I know I’m supposed to choose life, but I don’t. I choose them no matter how great the pressure is. They are my reason for staying.

photo of woman climbing mountain

Remember the Dream and Take the Hard Way

August 22, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I don’t usually pay too much attention to my dreams. They are weird and often uncomfortable. Recently, however, I had a dream that I couldn’t ignore. A dream with a recurring theme.

A construction site with detours often appears in my dreams. I always end up at either a dead end of sorts or a road with rough terrain. Sometimes the end of the road is literally an end that drops off into a hole with the road beginning again on the other side of the hole; sometimes others are following me (not in a creepy way). The dreams are always different, but have that same theme of construction and a detour leading to nowhere.

The Dream

A couple weeks ago, I had another dream with the same theme. I was traveling on a road and encountered a construction zone. At first I thought I was going to get stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere again, but the construction zone morphed into a smaller construction area that allowed traffic to go around rather than sending everyone on a big detour. The road changed to a rural road with black ice.

My dad was driving our old 1981 Volkswagen Vanagon in that moment. He was slipping around a lot, so I asked to take over. I was slipping around some too until we reached a pile of small boulder-size rocks blocking the road. The right side of the road was a wall of mountain, while the left side was the edge of a cliff. The rocks blocking the road were also covered in ice, but I could see a bit of a path that we could work our way through. The path led us to the edge on the left. We couldn’t stop before we fell onto a wide ledge below the cliff face.

The ledge had a decently even dirt road leading next to the cliffside down to a plateau where people parked while they watched the scenery. It was essentially a dead end that didn’t interest me or feel right. The cliff face from the ledge to the road was maybe 20 feet. Not a massive drop, but much too far to get the car up to the road. I stood there wondering what to do.

The Potential Interpretation

This dream bothered me more than usual, so I shared it with my daughter. Her first thoughts when I was describing the dream was Lehi and Nephi’s dream of the iron rod. For those who are unfamiliar with the dream, I’ll give a quick summary.

A prophet dreamed about an iron rod leading to a beautiful tree with the most wonderous and appetizing fruit. Off to the side was a river and beyond the river was “a great and spacious building”. In the great and spacious building were people who partied like frat boys. Many of them were pointing and making fun of those who were heading to the tree. Surrounding the iron rod was a black fog too thick to see through. Some people were walking near the rod without holding on, while others were lost in the darkness.

The main symbols of the vision represent: the tree was the Tree of Life, the iron rod was the gospel, and the great and spacious building was the world of men. The plateau in my dream specifically brought the great and spacious building to my daughter’s mind. The question that was left was to decide how to get back to the road—the iron rod.

What was the first thing she said when I expressed how I didn’t want to go down to the plateau? “Then climb.” I had not even thought to climb out because I needed the car. Her response about what to do when I got back to the road? “So walk.” Those were such easy answers, regardless of the difficulties that would come from following her suggestions. The climb would not be long, but it would be hard. I didn’t know for sure if the road would still be covered in ice when I reached the top. I would have to leave everything behind and take the hard way.

The Application

I think I know what the plateau and the climb represent, but it’s not easy to follow through. Who wants to take the hard way and climb—even if it is only 20 feet? I prayed hard and received my answer. Life According to Gribble was my answer. This blog was what I was prompted to start with. So here I am sharing my literal dreams with you!

So What’s My Point?

The point I would like to make is the fact that I think we all know that the easy way is not always the right way. I have many projects to work on. My novel editing business needs a big push. My home needs to be decluttered and actually unpacked so it doesn’t hold me down like it does now. There are several anthologies I would like to participate in; one of which will be with my writer’s group. I also need to revise my novel and get it published by the beginning of November.

None of those things are as simple as they might seem to some of you. I will need to approach each project with careful consideration and the knowledge that it will all be very hard. I will simply need to remember the dream and take the hard way. Not advice many would receive. This, however, is what I have been telling myself over the last couple of weeks. Each time it gets hard to get up and do what I know I need to do, I tell myself, “Remember the dream and take the hard way.”

Some of you might also be in extremely challenging turning points. You might not need to take the hard way, but it could be the better way in the end. If what I feel is correct, the hard way up to the road will be relatively short at this point.

I don’t know what will happen once I get there. I could encounter ice or clear roads. Maybe I will find myself alone, missing the companionship of those I had to leave behind to climb on their own, or I could be surrounded by others who are ready to give me a hand up the rest of the way. It would be fantastic if they had a car so I didn’t have to walk, but the peace of walking for a while could be refreshing and help my mental health. In the end, I need to find a way for myself.

Your lives will be different. Just remember, it’s okay to take the hard way if that is the direction you need to go to get back to the road. Remember your own dreams and take the hard way if that is the right way.

a white sculpture of a human head on a purple background

My Bi-Polar Disorder is Visiting a Major Depressive State

August 18, 2024 / / 0 Comments

My deck is stacked with difficult cards. I am both physically and spiritually exhausted. Is the physical exhaustion I’m feeling due to the physical inactivity aspect from when I shut down after BJ died? But it’s been eight years since that major shut down.

I’m wondering if that’s what my body and mind are trying to do. Am I shutting down again? Why? What is the catalyst this time? Before BJ died, I shut down twice. The first was when I lost my job due to the company closing. That lasted about six months. The second was after my last miscarriage. That episode lasted around three to four months. It was years after BJ died to emerge from the shutdown.

While writing this post, I realized that my exhaustion right now is a sign of the bi-polar depressive state I feared was emerging when I wrote a previous post a month ago. Identifying the source of such feelings as being something in my brain chemistry is both freeing and frustrating.

I take medication to help stabilize my moods and prevent super high mania and super low depression. Medications, however, are not a perfect remedy. For those who think they can take a pill and be all better when dealing with chronic issues, mental or physical, here is your gentle reminder that it’s not true. Chronic issues are not usually curable. There will always be a need for treatment in some form. Special diets, medication, therapy, et cetera.

So where do I go from here? The answer is move forward. Get up and do what I need to do as best as I can. How do you get up and do things when you are so far down. Yes, knowing the source is helpful because I now know what I’m fighting. It’s also difficult because you see what you need to do and kick yourself down when you don’t get up and do it. I know I will be “called out” for blaming those shortcomings on an illness at some point. It’s just an excuse in their opinion. Those who truly understand the situation will realize the illness is actually an explanation.

I need to try to get up and do what I can knowing that some of those times I really can’t get myself up. It’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I just don’t have it in me to move forward in that moment. And I need to give myself permission to say, “That’s okay.” The key is to keep trying. That is what the Lord wants from all of us. Leave the past in the past and keep moving forward in the degrees you know you can.

black Fayorit typewriter with printer paper

A Note from Gribble: It’s About to Get More Personal

July 28, 2024 / / 0 Comments

Gribble here. My girl is embarking on a more personal journey, so I’ve added a new category in our posts! The category is “It’s Getting Personal”. I’m going to tell you the events of what she calls her “three years of hell” so you have a better understanding of the obstacles she navigated and still faces. Sympathy is not necessary or sought.

My girl’s life changed forever in 2016. The year began with a miscarriage and she lost her job due to the deep depression she experienced. Six months later, as she was just coming out of her funk, she unexpectedly lost her husband to a thrombotic embolism (a blood clot), leaving her to raise their three children (almost 12, 10, and 3) by herself.

Her uncle died one month later while she was trying to pack her house to move out of state. About a month and a half of homelessness followed while she moved her children and the cranky 10-year-old cat from one relative’s house to another. When she was finally able to procure permanent housing with her parents, she crashed down from survivor mode.

A very serious bout of clinical depression overtook her life when she exited survivor mode. Some family members discussed the need to have her admitted. They eventually decided that my girl’s children needed her presence more since their father was no longer there. I don’t know if that was what was best for the children, but that was the decision made.

Eight months after her uncle’s death, her husband’s grandmother died. A more specific diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) was added to her pre-existing conditions of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), intrusive thoughts, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and anxiety when she was able to emotionally get herself out of bed and to therapy.

Several months before the grandmother died and for two months following, my girl took care of her bedbound mother until her passing at the end of May 2017. Her mother was buried one week before her husband’s one-year anniversary.

Nine months later her cousin’s 21-year-old son died in a tragic car accident, two weeks later her daughter’s dog died, and about four months later her daughter’s 11-month-old kitten died. Her then 4-year-old was diagnosed with autism and therapy led to the discovery of my girl having Bi-Polar Disorder (BPD). She told me later that many things in her life, even prior to her husband’s death, made significantly more sense.

While she was not close to all of those who passed away, the fact that death loomed so close to home struck a nerve with each notification of loss and each step of her mental health journey.

Navigating life is tough. Please remember that this post is not meant to dredge up sympathy. It is simply meant to be informational. Her journey is changing, as is expected in life, and I feel it would be best for her to share that journey with all of you. Perhaps the growth and setbacks as she works through her grief, mental health, and spiritual travels will help someone else someday. I hope you find comfort or enlightenment in the posts.

If you choose to comment on a post, PLEASE BE KIND. Everyone deserves kindness in one aspect or another. Be that person who is kind, positive, and factual in your comments.

Now I need to get back to my place of safety before my girl’s puppy finds me. Happy reading!

a black and white photo of a brain

Fighting Your Brain Chemistry Sucks – Depression Strikes Again

July 16, 2024 / / 0 Comments

The Bi-Polar pendulum is swinging. I can feel it. I’ve spent a good part of my life in a depressive state. With meds, I have been able to have more time in a “manic” state (or what other have told me is likely a “normal” state of mind).

I’m scared of the swing. Some think mental health is an excuse, but it’s not. It’s a real thing. I don’t want to feel down and out. Just retraining my behavior doesn’t make things all better. While it can help, other factors are involved. Chemical and hormone changes in my brain greatly influence my state of mind. It makes depression harder to fight. Medication helps regulate those changes, but it’s not a perfect fix either.

I was reading an account of Elder Shayne M Bowen’s time on his mission with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Chile. He and his mission companion had been arrested and separated amid political unrest. He prayed to Heavenly Father saying, “I am nothing special, but I have been obedient and I need Thy help tonight.” He did receive the comfort he needed that night. He stated, “the seeds of this help had been planted many years earlier.”

A couple thoughts occurred to me when I read this. The first being, whether we feel like nothing and down in depression, we need to remember that we will be blessed if we stay obedient to what we know is true. Depression is no joke. It is often paralyzing in my life. Getting up is more than challenging. Having the energy to shower and dress is practically non-existent. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I believe it is important to remember these challenges are not without reason or hope. That’s also not as easy as it sounds. Looking for spiritual aid has helped me. Knowing there must be a reason for the pendulum swinging back and forth gives me a sliver of hope that I will be free when my time comes to reunite with my husband.

Not dwelling on the past is a problem for me. Intrusive thoughts break into my calm moments and cause deep anxiety. It’s okay to look for help from past lessons. Depression will not magically go away, but I know I can potentially find some comfort while I work through the down times. Comfort is a miraculous blessing.

The message I’m trying to learn is remembering I am not nothing—even if I can’t get myself up and doing the things that are necessary. I am special to someone—even if I don’t always believe it. I know God is real—even if I sometimes feel forsaken. Others have gone through similar experiences, so I’m not alone. If I can’t think of anyone during those moments of my depressed mental state, I know Christ felt it. He knows, so I need to look to Him for help in the dark times.

© 2025 Life According to Gribble

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑