Life According to Gribble

Let's Walk This Journey Together

Category: Mental Health

woman holding a cup of coffee at right hand and reading book on her lap while holding it open with her left hand in a well-lit room

How to Include Self-care in Your Everyday Life

August 29, 2024 / / 0 Comments

Self-care is extremely important as I discussed in one of my previous posts. Now it’s time to figure out how self-care works. What do you do? Is it just going out with friends? Is it that pint of ice cream in the grocery store fridge calling your name? Let’s look at a couple of ways you can apply self-care to better your life.

The Pillars of Self-care

My research for this post lead me to a concept of self-care “pillars”. There are varying opinions on how many pillars there are, but seven seemed to be the most excepted. Macy Burkett of the University of Kansas wrote an article about these seven pillars. They are mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, environmental, recreational, and social.

It was great to see a breakdown of how to support your overall self-care needs, but the more I delved into the topic of these pillars, the more overwhelmed I became. Advice suggested making sure to include at least one or two things for each of those categories to ensure you are taking care of all your self-care needs.

A Different Set of Pillars

The feeling I got from the initial concept of the pillars as explained above was not of relief and enjoyment. It was a to-do list. Another thing to track and balance. The I came across a different set of the seven pillars when perusing the International Self-Care Foundation’s website. They are a little different as seen in the graphic below.

The second set of pillars are much closer to what I feel represents a good balance of self-care. It is more attuned to overall health than a to-do list. Pillars such as good hygiene and knowledge/health literacy are things a lot of people don’t think of as self-care, but it is. Did you know that something as simple as brushing your teeth is a form of self-care? You lower your risk for certain heart problems just by sticking that little brush with some paste on it in your mouth each day.

Let’s not pretend that everyone brushes their teeth every day, twice a day, and follows up with flossing. I’ll be honest and say I’m one of those who struggle with this simple task. It’s not reality for many other people as well for a multitude of reasons. Depression is a big one, but not the only reason why poor dental care occurs.

Depression is a vicious cycle. You have little energy. You feel useless, unimportant, like an embarrassment. Facing the world is overwhelming. Brushing your teeth, taking a shower, making something to eat other than cereal means you have to get up and look in the mirror. However, doing it helps you feel like you have accomplished something that day.

Another Way to Think of Self-care

I decided to simplify the concept for my own well-being. The only way for me to do that was to be a nerd and analyze the information. Here’s what I came up with.

So many of the activities found in each of the pillars could count for multiple categories. Why have specific categories when there is so much crossover? It made more sense to me to classify self-care under two categories: external and internal.

External self-care covers anything that influences your outer being. This could include your environment (the state of your house or desk) or your physical health (losing weight or personal hygiene are common examples). Internal self-care covers anything to do with your inner being. Your mental, spiritual, and emotional health falls into this category. Sometimes that pint of ice cream is just what you need in that moment – just be careful not to make a habit of it.

Under each category you have a choice of performing specific activities or embracing a different way of life. For example, external activities could include yoga, rock climbing, engaging in a hobby, or organizing your space. Keeping your environment organized is more of a different way of life than it is performing a specific activity. Internal activities could include meditation, attending church, socially interacting with others, or setting healthy boundaries with your friends and family.

Simply making sure I am covering both internal and external self-care brings me more peace and less stress than the pillars. That doesn’t always work for everyone. The act of organizing the activities to make sure they are covering all aspects of self-care in their life could be cathartic for others.

A Personal Example

At one point, my finances were very tight. (I’m still there in fact.) I had been so careful not to spend anything on me. Everything went to the bills or was used by my late husband. This went on for so long, I couldn’t even remember the last time I bought something frivolous for myself. So I did it. I bought myself something small like a candy bar and immediately felt relief. For the first time in a long time, I let myself enjoy the fruits of my labors. That little treat was my self-care in that moment.

The most important thing to remember is to love yourself. Remember you are loved. Whether you realize it or not, there are always people who are watching and praying for you. You may never know what an impact you are for those around you. Take care of yourself. You will find happiness in the process. I’m trying to apply those principles every day. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed. Either way, it’s important to try. Let’s try together.

a white sculpture of a human head on a purple background

My Bi-Polar Disorder is Visiting a Major Depressive State

August 18, 2024 / / 0 Comments

My deck is stacked with difficult cards. I am both physically and spiritually exhausted. Is the physical exhaustion I’m feeling due to the physical inactivity aspect from when I shut down after BJ died? But it’s been eight years since that major shut down.

I’m wondering if that’s what my body and mind are trying to do. Am I shutting down again? Why? What is the catalyst this time? Before BJ died, I shut down twice. The first was when I lost my job due to the company closing. That lasted about six months. The second was after my last miscarriage. That episode lasted around three to four months. It was years after BJ died to emerge from the shutdown.

While writing this post, I realized that my exhaustion right now is a sign of the bi-polar depressive state I feared was emerging when I wrote a previous post a month ago. Identifying the source of such feelings as being something in my brain chemistry is both freeing and frustrating.

I take medication to help stabilize my moods and prevent super high mania and super low depression. Medications, however, are not a perfect remedy. For those who think they can take a pill and be all better when dealing with chronic issues, mental or physical, here is your gentle reminder that it’s not true. Chronic issues are not usually curable. There will always be a need for treatment in some form. Special diets, medication, therapy, et cetera.

So where do I go from here? The answer is move forward. Get up and do what I need to do as best as I can. How do you get up and do things when you are so far down. Yes, knowing the source is helpful because I now know what I’m fighting. It’s also difficult because you see what you need to do and kick yourself down when you don’t get up and do it. I know I will be “called out” for blaming those shortcomings on an illness at some point. It’s just an excuse in their opinion. Those who truly understand the situation will realize the illness is actually an explanation.

I need to try to get up and do what I can knowing that some of those times I really can’t get myself up. It’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I just don’t have it in me to move forward in that moment. And I need to give myself permission to say, “That’s okay.” The key is to keep trying. That is what the Lord wants from all of us. Leave the past in the past and keep moving forward in the degrees you know you can.

woman holding a cup of coffee at right hand and reading book on her lap while holding it open with her left hand in a well-lit room

The Importance of Self-Care

August 9, 2024 / / 0 Comments

One of my friends mentioned how they have been living in a difficult situation. The most important thing about the situation was their overwhelming role in the household. They went to work, came home to take manage the house, care for the children, and went to bed only to wake up the next day to do it all over again. Sound familiar? They are by no means the first or last person to live that way. It’s not a lifestyle choice. It’s the circumstances we find ourselves in for one reason or another.

Mental health comes in many flavors. Functioning, semi-functioning, and non-functioning is my breakdown. Remember that with mental health, just like physical health, people sometimes move both ways on the scale. A person who is non-functioning due to major depression can eventually work their way back up to a semi-functioning or functioning state. There are always exceptions, but for some it is possible.

The Pendulum of Life

At this point in my life, I am in a semi-functioning state. My bi-polar disorder (BPD) holds me back in many ways. Not everyone realizes that BPD does not mean they experience severe fluctuating moods throughout the day. BPD shifts from mania or depressive and back over the course of weeks and months. My sister and I equate the process to a swinging pendulum in a grandfather clock. I can be in a depressive state for months. Commitments will fall through, my bedroom becomes a cave, sometimes I pig out on sweets, and my children miss me. Then the pendulum swings, and I’m in my manic state.

While I love my manic state, because I actually accomplish tasks, it doesn’t usually last more than a couple of weeks—maybe a month. I have medication which helps regulate my BPD, but medication is not the end all be all cure, and it’s not the only thing I need. Self-care is also a vital part of treating my BPD.

Define Self-Care

The most concise definition of self-care came from my alma mater, Southern New Hampshire University. They said, “Self-care refers to anything that you do to keep yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually healthy.” Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact.

Why is it so important?

The National Institute of Mental Health provides even more information on self-care stating:

Self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. This can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy. Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact.

National Institute of mental Health

Self-care impacts all aspects of our lives. The International Self-Care Foundation points out that something as simple as brushing and flossing your teeth could impact our heart health. With my friend, the gettogether we attended was their moment of self-care. They had a night to do what they wanted to do, not what they had to do. That time of relief is important to balance their needs with a break.

Remember that self-care doesn’t have to be static. You don’t need to do the same thing at the same time every week or month. If you have the opportunity and enjoy the activity, do it! Go with the flow and trust yourself to stop when life starts to get really hard. Take a moment to breath before facing life again.

I’ll write another post soon about how self-care is done. Stay tuned!

black Fayorit typewriter with printer paper

A Note from Gribble: It’s About to Get More Personal

July 28, 2024 / / 0 Comments

Gribble here. My girl is embarking on a more personal journey, so I’ve added a new category in our posts! The category is “It’s Getting Personal”. I’m going to tell you the events of what she calls her “three years of hell” so you have a better understanding of the obstacles she navigated and still faces. Sympathy is not necessary or sought.

My girl’s life changed forever in 2016. The year began with a miscarriage and she lost her job due to the deep depression she experienced. Six months later, as she was just coming out of her funk, she unexpectedly lost her husband to a thrombotic embolism (a blood clot), leaving her to raise their three children (almost 12, 10, and 3) by herself.

Her uncle died one month later while she was trying to pack her house to move out of state. About a month and a half of homelessness followed while she moved her children and the cranky 10-year-old cat from one relative’s house to another. When she was finally able to procure permanent housing with her parents, she crashed down from survivor mode.

A very serious bout of clinical depression overtook her life when she exited survivor mode. Some family members discussed the need to have her admitted. They eventually decided that my girl’s children needed her presence more since their father was no longer there. I don’t know if that was what was best for the children, but that was the decision made.

Eight months after her uncle’s death, her husband’s grandmother died. A more specific diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) was added to her pre-existing conditions of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), intrusive thoughts, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and anxiety when she was able to emotionally get herself out of bed and to therapy.

Several months before the grandmother died and for two months following, my girl took care of her bedbound mother until her passing at the end of May 2017. Her mother was buried one week before her husband’s one-year anniversary.

Nine months later her cousin’s 21-year-old son died in a tragic car accident, two weeks later her daughter’s dog died, and about four months later her daughter’s 11-month-old kitten died. Her then 4-year-old was diagnosed with autism and therapy led to the discovery of my girl having Bi-Polar Disorder (BPD). She told me later that many things in her life, even prior to her husband’s death, made significantly more sense.

While she was not close to all of those who passed away, the fact that death loomed so close to home struck a nerve with each notification of loss and each step of her mental health journey.

Navigating life is tough. Please remember that this post is not meant to dredge up sympathy. It is simply meant to be informational. Her journey is changing, as is expected in life, and I feel it would be best for her to share that journey with all of you. Perhaps the growth and setbacks as she works through her grief, mental health, and spiritual travels will help someone else someday. I hope you find comfort or enlightenment in the posts.

If you choose to comment on a post, PLEASE BE KIND. Everyone deserves kindness in one aspect or another. Be that person who is kind, positive, and factual in your comments.

Now I need to get back to my place of safety before my girl’s puppy finds me. Happy reading!

You Are Worth It!

December 5, 2021 / / 2 Comments

Do any of you remember Orkut? It was social media platform that launched in 2004 and shut down only a decade later, so I won’t hold it against you if you don’t remember it. In fact, the most popular population to use it were Brazilians. (p. 192)

Orkut’s ultimate demise came from issues revolving around its functionality. (p. 193) Problems such as friend limits and photo sharing quality inhibited the user experience. The platform simply wasn’t flexible enough to meet consumer needs. Was the issue the software itself? Was the issue because the developers chose not to update those features for some reason? Or was it because they didn’t know it was an issue until it was too late?

Orkut’s problem relates very much to our lives. How flexible are we? Do we have software (mental health) issues that are difficult to fix, that is if they can be fixed at all? Are we not open enough to take other points of view into consideration? Do we even realize we have a problem? Perhaps we realize but are too embarrassed to address it or think it’s too late to change.

These are the things I want to address. I could easily go into the current political and economic situation with this line of thinking, but I would rather not go down that rabbit hole. Instead, let’s look at the micro-level and concentrate on the individual – ourselves.

I have talked about mental health before, and it’s no secret I am a strong proponent for the issue. I deal with the effects of it on a regular basis, whether it is me, my children, my extended family, or friends and acquaintances. Our software – our brain’s mental health – only has a certain amount of ability to extend beyond its current programing. You can’t expect a person with Downs Syndrome to become a nuclear physicist. It is simply beyond their capacity. However, that is not necessarily the case with many circumstances. I have known those who use their mental health as a vehicle to gain things or as an excuse for why they can’t be expected to be held to a higher level of control.

Someone prone to depression and anxiety has the ability to rise above it, but it takes a lot of hard work, sometimes medication, counseling, and will power. That said, the pendulum always swings from amazing to down periods for which interventions are necessary. There are always exceptions, but the majority of those who experience it have a higher capacity then they realize. That majority includes me. It takes daily maintenance.

Down periods require a great deal of flexibility. We need to be able to recognize the signs and listen to our needs. Orcut lacked longevity due to a lack of flexibility. We have the potential for a great deal of flexibility within our own limits.

I remember the period after my husband passed away, I really needed someone to advocate for me to help me get the help I needed. I should have been on disability. I should have been in therapy immediately. I couldn’t do it myself – I simply didn’t have it in me to get any of it done. My husband had been my advocate, and he was gone. There was no way I could have anticipated his loss and set up a new advocate. Having a team is necessary.

The moral of the story? Be gentle with yourself. Listen to yourself and your needs. Create and follow through with intervention plans. Build a team who can help you monitor your needs. Advocate for yourself whenever possible. You are worth it.

Hikers climbing on rock, mountain at sunset, one of them giving hand and helping to climb. Help, support, assistance in a dangerous situation

Stigmastasis – It’s a real thing

November 7, 2021 / / 0 Comments

I’ve learned a great deal in my graduate program. One of my classes spoke about a social media marketing campaign for breast cancer awareness. Some of you might remember seeing mysterious posts by individuals, such as “Dorothy, Red” or “Samantha, Blue” one October a few years ago. The key to the posts was a meme sent to ladies via Messenger asking them to post their name and the color of their bra. The reason for the posts? October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

While the meme is a good example of cyberactivism, was it really affective? The message was only sent to ladies, but they are leaving out the population of men who also deal with breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen website states, “less than 1% of all breast cancer cases occur in men.” The fact that the statistic is so small is good. However, what about those men who are in the “less than 1%” group? Being a small percentage doesn’t negate the need for the message.

It got me to thinking about a cause I am passionate about: mental health. For thousands of years the majority of the world suffered from what I think of as Stigmastasis – stuck in a state of stigma – when it came to mental health. Recently, though, we have seen an increase in candid conversations about mental health topics. Depression, anxiety, addiction, and bi-polar disorder are among the most common conditions in active discussion. I address my own personal experiences with mental health in my two-part post Metaphors and Me.

Those who suffer from stigmastasis don’t have all the facts about the topic in question. They don’t even know they have their own form of mental health condition. Sometimes their case is so extreme, they refuse to acknowledge the facts surrounding another mental health condition.

For example, stigmastasians (don’t laugh, you’ll hurt their feelings) do know know that OCD is not just a fear of germs. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, OCD also involves “unwanted forbidden or taboo thoughts involving sex, religion, or harm [and/or] aggressive thoughts towards others or self.” These thoughts are called intrusive thoughts. I know because I deal with them on a daily basis. For many years, I literally thought I was crazy – in a bad way. I was suffering from both intrusive thoughts and stigmastasis. I had to keep it quiet because what would happen if people knew? I would never act on those thoughts. I felt ashamed to be having them in the first place. A mental health practitioner I saw in my early 30’s finally identified and explained what they were. The horrible thoughts randomly floating into my brain was not a symptom of psychosis, it was a part of my OCD.

Psychosis is a disorder that is still truly taboo. Who wants to admit that they have psychotic episodes where they have literally taken a break from reality? I don’t say that lightly. I have a loved one who experienced psychotic episodes. Actions stemming from stigmastasis, shaming and shunning, are often paired with being honest with others about this serious disorder.

I have educated a number of people about intrusive thoughts and have even found others who also experience them. Because I was willing to talk about it, my daughter was able to identify what they were and tell me she was having them, too. She has the advantage of learning how to deal with them now instead of suffering from intrusive thoughts and stigmastasis for decades with the overwhelming anxiety and shame involved with not knowing.

Even mental health disorders that have more conversation and awareness than others suffer from an onslaught of stigmastasis. Addiction recovery receives a great deal of attention. Anonymous meetings for the many forms of addiction exist for the betterment of its members. And yet, organizations like Shatterproof are still working an uphill battle representing and acting to forward the cause of addiction treatment and recovery.

Let’s take a break and go back to the original topic for a moment. The problem with the breast cancer awareness meme is not as much the message as the lack of call to action. Awareness is wonderful. A call to action is the key to any activism campaign – cyber or otherwise.

So here is my call to action. Stamp Out Stigma, an initiative spearheaded by the Association for Behavioral Health and Wellness (ABHW) promotes their philosophy of the three “R’s” (recognize, reeducate, and reduce the stigma). It is an excellent direction to start moving. Below is a list of mental health disorders with links to learn more about each condition. Consider a way you can help further the cause of mental health awareness. A link for sharable resources from the National Institute of Mental Health is also posted (if available). Feel free to add disorders and links to mental health information in the comments below. What can you do to reduce the prevalence of stigmastasis against mental health?

Addiction Recovery – Sharable resources

ADHD/ADD – Sharable resources

Agoraphobia

Anxiety – Sharable Resources

Autism Spectrum Disorder – Sharable resources

Depression – Sharable Resources

Eating Disorders – Sharable resources

Bi-polar Disorder – Sharable Resources

Borderline Personality Disorder – Sharable resources

Children with Mental Illness – Sharable resources

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) – Sharable resources

Psychosis/Psychotic

Schizophrenia – Sharable resources

Social Anxiety Disorder (formerly Social Phobia)

Suicide – Sharable resources

Trichotillomania

Education school concept. Clever female student girl in glasses lying on floor in college library with stack books reading. Instagram tone

Seeing Through to the Future

October 24, 2021 / / 3 Comments

As part of my graduate program, I read a case study about a company called Warby Parker. I didn’t recognize the name until I read more about them. They began as college students who were fed up with the way eyeglass frames were sold. The high costs, the hassle of attempting to get to a showroom to try them on lead to a great deal of frustration.

In 2010, they took a giant leap and started an online business selling eyeglass frames. The concept of online retail for frames was foreign at that time. How do you do something like that when the choice for such a product can be such a personal decision? They instituted a “Home Try-On Campaign” to meet this demand. Warby Parker sent five pairs of frames for the customer to try-on. The customer would send back the ones they didn’t want.

It was a brilliant move for them to make at such an influential time. No one was even thinking about a business strategy like that. The risk was immense, and it was innovation at its finest. How does that relate to us on a more personal level?

My world imploded when my husband died in 2016. I have been healing, trying to stay as clear-minded as possible for my children, and searching for an answer to the “What comes next” question. The answer is different for everyone. For me, I have rediscovered how much I enjoy reading, writing, and editing fiction. It took years to get to the point where I could truly move forward, but I made it.

I’m not alone in the endeavor. Just as those of you who have encountered personal tragedies of your own. The thing about tragedy is you discover your ability to redirect your situation to a lifestyle more conducive to your needs. That’s a fancy way of saying you adapt to your situation. Hopefully, the growth you will eventually encounter will lead you in a more positive direction.

I chose to follow my love of the written word and enroll in graduate school. It was a huge step and a ginormous risk for me. Was I choosing the right degree, the right school, the right program? Your steps may be just as huge. Like Warby Parker, it is important to take risks. The reinvention of a business model can pay off with enough time and willingness to move forward with your idea. The reinvention of yourself can do the same.

How am I reinventing myself? My life was such that I stopped reading and writing fiction completely for many years. It was a distraction from my attempts to provide for my family and I was miserable without those outlets. I gave myself permission to read again and read more than 100 books in a year and a half. Oh, the glories of binge reading. Through my graduate program, I am given permission to sit and write. I’m still working on the anxiety of so many years of telling myself I’m misusing my time when I write.

Did the founders of Warby Parker feel they were misusing their time with their venture? Maybe at some point, but they pushed through. They created their own designs to keep the costs down. They were sensitive to their customers’ time. Instead of overwhelming the customer with a showroom full of frames during times customers really do need to handle other pursuits, customers receive a manageable five pairs of glasses to try on at their convenience.

So, what can we learn from Warby Parker? It’s okay to take well thought out risks. It’s okay to choose a different path than everyone else. It’s okay to spend time doing what you love. Feel empowered to do what you can for yourself in all your ventures. It can lead to a massive payout – a happier you.

Image by Peter H from Pixabay

Future Trolls and Self-Care

June 23, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Have you ever been afraid of the future? I’m right there with you. I’m at a jumping off point and fear my mental health will get in the way. Bipolar-me doesn’t like to be stable so I have to really grasp hard to complete my longer-term goals. At this point, my goals include building a business by incorporating a product line focused on positive thinking and building upon talents. I also have a goal to write a book, be more consistent with my blog posts, and go back to school for a Master of Fine Art in Creative Writing. I’m terrified I’m going to feel overwhelmed and shut down – especially at an integral moment. I’m terrified I will change my mind halfway through and end up back at ground zero.

The good thing is, I have medication that will help regulate me. I have my family and friends who encourages me. I know I have the intellect to do it. It all comes down to mental health.

I’m tired of mental health ruling my life, but my mental health is just that – mine whether I want it or not. The question is how I can use my mental health to my advantage. OCD-me loves picking weeds because it’s detail-oriented and there is something about clearing weeds that satisfy an obsession for a better-looking yard. That is using my mental health to my advantage. (FYI-Bipolar-me likes to fight with OCD-me, so please don’t think I have the perfect yard.)

So how can I use the often reigning Bipolar-me to my advantage with future goals/tasks/obligations/conquests? There’s a thought. Perhaps my goals need to become quests. What’s the fun in life if you can’t have a few epic quests? Here’s the big problem: Bipolar Depressive-me. How can I combat that troll? (I like dragons too much to turn them into the bad guys.)

While nothing will completely vanquish that troll, I can keep it more at bay with self-care and understanding my mental health cycles. The troll will appear and take over, but I can exercise self-care to combat it like a sword of light. (I like swords, too. Have I shown you my sword wall? – And there we see a glimpse of Bipolar Manic-Me.)

Self-care for me means showering, brushing my teeth, reading for fun, and crafting. I cross stitch and have recently discovered diamond painting. A few to 30 minutes of self-care often helps me focus more on my current quest. (Oh, how I love metaphors.)

So there we have a partial and imperfect solution to a problem that will never go away, but it’s a start. I still fear the future and worry about my future endeavors, but I have a plan to work thorough that fear. We’ll see how well it works and adjust as necessary. That’s all anyone can do when faced with a troll.

Image from Lindsey Stirling's Take Flight music video, girl standing on edge of building with boat on clouds in front of her

Metaphors and Me (Part 2)

March 4, 2020 / / 0 Comments
Image from Lindsey Stirling's Take Flight music video, girl standing on edge of building with boat on clouds in front of her

Last week I discussed my own frame of mind and my moment of clarity:

To create a house of order,
I must first wade through the chaos that is my life.

It’s a tall order, but I had another moment of clarity that is helping me put the pieces together.

While writing one day, I was listening to music through YouTube when the song “Take Flight” by Lindsey Stirling came on. I stopped writing to watch the video, which I have seen multiple times. Suddenly had a different understanding of the song’s meaning. I also realized the applicability of its message in my life.

The way to move from my life of chaos to order is all about trust and imagination. Trust myself and not bury the talents given by my Father in Heaven. Here’s the thing with talents. I know I have talents, but they always seemed more like attributes of my personality than talents. My imagination, for example, is not just an attribute. It’s a talent I didn’t recognize. I need to let myself “take flight” with my imagination and not in a tornado to Oz. The task I have now set before me requires planning.

First, I need to figure out how to identify the part of my imagination I need to free. I turned to my children to help me answer that. I asked them what talent I would showcase if I were in a talent show. What did they say? They wisely stated that my talents lie elsewhere. I wouldn’t be in the talent show – I would be organizing it. That got me to thinking. If I can co-chair a first-time free writer’s conference with over 100 attendees, I can organize a way out of the sticky syrup lake with popcorn kernel shores of my life (one of my youngest’s more notorious self-made “sandboxes”, but I digress).

Understanding of the internal workings of my being is beginning to find firmer footing. It’s not an easy thing to face. I have pieces of myself that conflict with my desire to move forward and grow as I explained in the previous post. That internal struggle is real, and I know I’m not alone in it.

The question is how to get past the struggle. Medication has helped me immensely. Therapy has helped me immensely. Doing my best to just go with the flow has helped me immensely. (Recap: Drugs, professional help, and play it cool) Giving myself permission to move forward and finding the positive in each situation is vital and ongoing. (Recap: Keep swimming and the glass is half full)

It is beyond hard to find the positive in every situation. For example, when my mother died almost one year after my husband, it was a relief in some ways. She had been ill and bed-bound for a very long time. I had the privilege of helping her each day while my dad was working on location hours away and unable to come home every night. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard. Any caregiver will attest to how difficult it is to care for someone who is unable to perform basic activities of daily living on their own. Her death finally occurred when she developed necrosis following a leg amputation and it became time to discontinue dialysis.

So what was the positive? While it was hard to no longer sit and talk with my mom, while she is no longer reachable to share her maternal comfort with me, it was a relief to no longer have the responsibility that comes with caregiving. Does that make me selfish? No. Do I feel guilty about feeling that way? Most would say yes, but I don’t. She is so much happier and free without her broken body. I’m sure she looks forward to her resurrected body when the time comes, but for now she is free to do other things. She is able to be productive and “do for herself” on the other side. That right there is the positive. Her quality of life is no longer in the negative.

Now I need to figure out where this all leaves me. I have a talent in organizing events and processes. So why not organize a business and get myself back into the workforce in a way that will be productive for myself and others?

The last time I underwent the adventure of starting a business, I did everything wrong and learned a great deal. Now I’m taking my time to figure out what kind of business will be best for me and utilize my talents effectively. I have already done a great deal of research and have a whole lot more to fish through before I make a final decision on what that business will entail and how I will organize it. I know it will be a great journey full of more metaphors.

At this point I need to give a big thank you to Brave Enough” to “Take Flight” and see wherever this journey will lead me.

island near tornado

Metaphors and Me

February 27, 2020 / / 0 Comments

My husband’s death broke me in a way I never thought possible. It was a pinnacle of major life-changing events, though not the last I will ever experience. The thing is, every time I get a major life-changer, I am first confronted with a great turmoil. A moment of hope emerges from the chaos. I feel the call for better, greater things. Future goals become clear and all seems bright. Then a sudden storm pulls the Earth out from under my feet, smacks me in the face with a flying wall, and gives me not a single moment to stop for tea with Dorothy.

My world rolls forward around me. My motivation disappears, I switch gears to adjust, and then I find I am going nowhere. There is a time and a place for changing tracks. My life just seems full of endless change points and when it seems like I’m on my way, the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a train.

What is holding me back? (Maybe all the metaphors are making the situation more complicated than necessary.) The one of the biggest problems in my way is my mental health. Too many people are scared to open up about something as personal as mental health. Fear of judgement is very real regardless of how much others may think a situation shouldn’t be feared. I’ll tackle that issue in another post…eventually.

It’s too important to go unsaid, so here I am about to bare my mental/emotional issues and display them for all to see. The fact is I am constantly fighting against myself for control over my life. What does that mean? In some ways, I see my mental health disorders as separate metaphorical people inside of me. (Yes, I am going to unleash a whole new set of metaphors.)

These metaphorical people in me have different needs. OCD-me craves order and completion. Bi-Polar/Manic-me wants to live life to the fullest and do everything all at once. Bi-Polar/Depressive-me is stuck in a place of crushing defeat. PTSD-me is overwhelmed by intermittent triggers that send me to the point of paralyzing panic. Anxiety-me cannot banish the fear and apprehension of so many potential outcomes of my present and future actions. I have been told my intrusive thoughts are part of OCD-me but whenever I try to explain it myself, I become confused again. Maybe the intrusive thoughts are simply the Mini-Me of OCD-me. Okay that’s a stretch even for…me.

Then there is just plain Me who is trying to get everyone to play nice. They are constantly bickering and it’s a massive challenge to feel as though I am not going crazy with the push and pull of each piece. In fact, I am completely uncomfortable with myself. Where do I go from here? How do I cope? How can I move forward with so much going on in my head?

I was reading a book about entrepreneurship called Mad Genius by Randy Gage when a thought struck me. He stated, “Chaos creates order and order then builds on itself.” Then my mind jumped to another great quote, “A house of order is a house of God.” Bring it together and I suddenly experienced moment of clarity. Maybe everyone else has come to this conclusion, but I’m sometimes a little slow to the game. And what was this epiphany?

To create a house of order,
I must first wade through the chaos that is my life.

Easier said than done, but necessary all the same. Now the question is: How do I do that when I am already overwhelmed?

That’s an discussion I’ll explain in part 2 of this post series next week as this post is already getting long. (I also hate cliffhangers, but alas, they are sometime necessary.)

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