Last week I discussed my own frame of mind and my moment of clarity:
To create a house of order,
I must first wade through the chaos that is my life.
It’s a tall order, but I had another moment of clarity that is helping me put the pieces together.
While writing one day, I was listening to music through YouTube when the song “Take Flight” by Lindsey Stirling came on. I stopped writing to watch the video, which I have seen multiple times. Suddenly had a different understanding of the song’s meaning. I also realized the applicability of its message in my life.
The way to move from my life of chaos to order is all about trust and imagination. Trust myself and not bury the talents given by my Father in Heaven. Here’s the thing with talents. I know I have talents, but they always seemed more like attributes of my personality than talents. My imagination, for example, is not just an attribute. It’s a talent I didn’t recognize. I need to let myself “take flight” with my imagination and not in a tornado to Oz. The task I have now set before me requires planning.
First, I need to figure out how to identify the part of my imagination I need to free. I turned to my children to help me answer that. I asked them what talent I would showcase if I were in a talent show. What did they say? They wisely stated that my talents lie elsewhere. I wouldn’t be in the talent show – I would be organizing it. That got me to thinking. If I can co-chair a first-time free writer’s conference with over 100 attendees, I can organize a way out of the sticky syrup lake with popcorn kernel shores of my life (one of my youngest’s more notorious self-made “sandboxes”, but I digress).
Understanding of the internal workings of my being is beginning to find firmer footing. It’s not an easy thing to face. I have pieces of myself that conflict with my desire to move forward and grow as I explained in the previous post. That internal struggle is real, and I know I’m not alone in it.
The question is how to get past the struggle. Medication has helped me immensely. Therapy has helped me immensely. Doing my best to just go with the flow has helped me immensely. (Recap: Drugs, professional help, and play it cool) Giving myself permission to move forward and finding the positive in each situation is vital and ongoing. (Recap: Keep swimming and the glass is half full)
It is beyond hard to find the positive in every situation. For example, when my mother died almost one year after my husband, it was a relief in some ways. She had been ill and bed-bound for a very long time. I had the privilege of helping her each day while my dad was working on location hours away and unable to come home every night. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard. Any caregiver will attest to how difficult it is to care for someone who is unable to perform basic activities of daily living on their own. Her death finally occurred when she developed necrosis following a leg amputation and it became time to discontinue dialysis.
So what was the positive? While it was hard to no longer sit and talk with my mom, while she is no longer reachable to share her maternal comfort with me, it was a relief to no longer have the responsibility that comes with caregiving. Does that make me selfish? No. Do I feel guilty about feeling that way? Most would say yes, but I don’t. She is so much happier and free without her broken body. I’m sure she looks forward to her resurrected body when the time comes, but for now she is free to do other things. She is able to be productive and “do for herself” on the other side. That right there is the positive. Her quality of life is no longer in the negative.
Now I need to figure out where this all leaves me. I have a talent in organizing events and processes. So why not organize a business and get myself back into the workforce in a way that will be productive for myself and others?
The last time I underwent the adventure of starting a business, I did everything wrong and learned a great deal. Now I’m taking my time to figure out what kind of business will be best for me and utilize my talents effectively. I have already done a great deal of research and have a whole lot more to fish through before I make a final decision on what that business will entail and how I will organize it. I know it will be a great journey full of more metaphors.
At this point I need to give a big thank you to Brave Enough” to “Take Flight” and see wherever this journey will lead me.