My husband’s death broke me in a way I never thought possible. It was a pinnacle of major life-changing events, though not the last I will ever experience. The thing is, every time I get a major life-changer, I am first confronted with a great turmoil. A moment of hope emerges from the chaos. I feel the call for better, greater things. Future goals become clear and all seems bright. Then a sudden storm pulls the Earth out from under my feet, smacks me in the face with a flying wall, and gives me not a single moment to stop for tea with Dorothy.
My world rolls forward around me. My motivation disappears, I switch gears to adjust, and then I find I am going nowhere. There is a time and a place for changing tracks. My life just seems full of endless change points and when it seems like I’m on my way, the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a train.
What is holding me back? (Maybe all the metaphors are making the situation more complicated than necessary.) The one of the biggest problems in my way is my mental health. Too many people are scared to open up about something as personal as mental health. Fear of judgement is very real regardless of how much others may think a situation shouldn’t be feared. I’ll tackle that issue in another post…eventually.
It’s too important to go unsaid, so here I am about to bare my mental/emotional issues and display them for all to see. The fact is I am constantly fighting against myself for control over my life. What does that mean? In some ways, I see my mental health disorders as separate metaphorical people inside of me. (Yes, I am going to unleash a whole new set of metaphors.)
These metaphorical people in me have different needs. OCD-me craves order and completion. Bi-Polar/Manic-me wants to live life to the fullest and do everything all at once. Bi-Polar/Depressive-me is stuck in a place of crushing defeat. PTSD-me is overwhelmed by intermittent triggers that send me to the point of paralyzing panic. Anxiety-me cannot banish the fear and apprehension of so many potential outcomes of my present and future actions. I have been told my intrusive thoughts are part of OCD-me but whenever I try to explain it myself, I become confused again. Maybe the intrusive thoughts are simply the Mini-Me of OCD-me. Okay that’s a stretch even for…me.
Then there is just plain Me who is trying to get everyone to play nice. They are constantly bickering and it’s a massive challenge to feel as though I am not going crazy with the push and pull of each piece. In fact, I am completely uncomfortable with myself. Where do I go from here? How do I cope? How can I move forward with so much going on in my head?
I was reading a book about entrepreneurship called Mad Genius by Randy Gage when a thought struck me. He stated, “Chaos creates order and order then builds on itself.” Then my mind jumped to another great quote, “A house of order is a house of God.” Bring it together and I suddenly experienced moment of clarity. Maybe everyone else has come to this conclusion, but I’m sometimes a little slow to the game. And what was this epiphany?
To create a house of order,
I must first wade through the chaos that is my life.
Easier said than done, but necessary all the same. Now the question is: How do I do that when I am already overwhelmed?
That’s an discussion I’ll explain in part 2 of this post series next week as this post is already getting long. (I also hate cliffhangers, but alas, they are sometime necessary.)