My deck is stacked with difficult cards. I am both physically and spiritually exhausted. Is the physical exhaustion I’m feeling due to the physical inactivity aspect from when I shut down after BJ died? But it’s been eight years since that major shut down.
I’m wondering if that’s what my body and mind are trying to do. Am I shutting down again? Why? What is the catalyst this time? Before BJ died, I shut down twice. The first was when I lost my job due to the company closing. That lasted about six months. The second was after my last miscarriage. That episode lasted around three to four months. It was years after BJ died to emerge from the shutdown.
While writing this post, I realized that my exhaustion right now is a sign of the bi-polar depressive state I feared was emerging when I wrote a previous post a month ago. Identifying the source of such feelings as being something in my brain chemistry is both freeing and frustrating.
I take medication to help stabilize my moods and prevent super high mania and super low depression. Medications, however, are not a perfect remedy. For those who think they can take a pill and be all better when dealing with chronic issues, mental or physical, here is your gentle reminder that it’s not true. Chronic issues are not usually curable. There will always be a need for treatment in some form. Special diets, medication, therapy, et cetera.
So where do I go from here? The answer is move forward. Get up and do what I need to do as best as I can. How do you get up and do things when you are so far down. Yes, knowing the source is helpful because I now know what I’m fighting. It’s also difficult because you see what you need to do and kick yourself down when you don’t get up and do it. I know I will be “called out” for blaming those shortcomings on an illness at some point. It’s just an excuse in their opinion. Those who truly understand the situation will realize the illness is actually an explanation.
I need to try to get up and do what I can knowing that some of those times I really can’t get myself up. It’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I just don’t have it in me to move forward in that moment. And I need to give myself permission to say, “That’s okay.” The key is to keep trying. That is what the Lord wants from all of us. Leave the past in the past and keep moving forward in the degrees you know you can.