The Bi-Polar pendulum is swinging. I can feel it. I’ve spent a good part of my life in a depressive state. With meds, I have been able to have more time in a “manic” state (or what other have told me is likely a “normal” state of mind).
I’m scared of the swing. Some think mental health is an excuse, but it’s not. It’s a real thing. I don’t want to feel down and out. Just retraining my behavior doesn’t make things all better. While it can help, other factors are involved. Chemical and hormone changes in my brain greatly influence my state of mind. It makes depression harder to fight. Medication helps regulate those changes, but it’s not a perfect fix either.
I was reading an account of Elder Shayne M Bowen’s time on his mission with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Chile. He and his mission companion had been arrested and separated amid political unrest. He prayed to Heavenly Father saying, “I am nothing special, but I have been obedient and I need Thy help tonight.” He did receive the comfort he needed that night. He stated, “the seeds of this help had been planted many years earlier.”
A couple thoughts occurred to me when I read this. The first being, whether we feel like nothing and down in depression, we need to remember that we will be blessed if we stay obedient to what we know is true. Depression is no joke. It is often paralyzing in my life. Getting up is more than challenging. Having the energy to shower and dress is practically non-existent. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I believe it is important to remember these challenges are not without reason or hope. That’s also not as easy as it sounds. Looking for spiritual aid has helped me. Knowing there must be a reason for the pendulum swinging back and forth gives me a sliver of hope that I will be free when my time comes to reunite with my husband.
Not dwelling on the past is a problem for me. Intrusive thoughts break into my calm moments and cause deep anxiety. It’s okay to look for help from past lessons. Depression will not magically go away, but I know I can potentially find some comfort while I work through the down times. Comfort is a miraculous blessing.
The message I’m trying to learn is remembering I am not nothing—even if I can’t get myself up and doing the things that are necessary. I am special to someone—even if I don’t always believe it. I know God is real—even if I sometimes feel forsaken. Others have gone through similar experiences, so I’m not alone. If I can’t think of anyone during those moments of my depressed mental state, I know Christ felt it. He knows, so I need to look to Him for help in the dark times.